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    What we say out loud and inside our heads has a huge impact on what we think.

    Equally what we think has a huge influence over how we feel.

    And finally, how we feel influences how we communicate, and what we say.

    It is a seamless cycle and so what can we do to make sure that what we say, how we think and how we feel is as positive and productive as possible?

    Too many negative words, thoughts or feelings can lead us into a downward spiral of not feeling great and not experiencing happy and healthy relationships.

    The difficulty comes when we don’t realise what we say, or what we think, we just know that we don’t feel great but don’t know why and don’t realise the role we are playing in our own feelings.

    My quick and easy solution to any situation where you are feeling negative, overwhelmed, challenged, confronted or in a place of conflict is to use ‘AND not BUT’.

    The word ‘BUT’ is so quickly easily and readily used by so many of us in everyday language, conversation, internal and external dialogue.  However what we tend not to be aware of is how negative the ‘but’ is, and how easily it leads us into a negative, blocking pattern of thoughts and feelings.

    For example, I invite you to have a conversation with yourself or someone else where the objective is to organise a fictional New Year’s Eve party.   In scenario one you make a suggestion about where the party can be held.  In answer to this suggestion, the next ‘person’ must start their question or statement with the word ‘but’.  And so the pattern continues…

    Person A. I’d like to throw a party for New Year’s.

    Person B. BUT, I don’t like parties.

    Person A. BUT it might be fun.

    Person B. BUT who will we invite?

    Person A. BUT why should I have to decide that?

    And so on and so forth.  You can see how quickly the blocks appear, the negativity ensues, the feelings of frustration at the other person build, and how nothing is actually being progressed and agreed upon.

    Now lets change that one word ‘BUT’ for the word ‘AND’ and see what happens…

    Person A. I’d like to throw a party for New Year’s.

    Person B. AND we could invite all our friends.

    Person A.  AND we could find a great venue to hold it in.

    Person B. AND we could have a theme for the night.

    Person A. AND we could ask Person C to help organise.

    In an instant you can see how collaborative, positive and productive using the word AND is, especially in comparison to the word BUT.  AND is a building word, it allows you to expand and add on to thoughts and feelings.

    So if you want to think and feel more confident and positive then I invite you to remove the word BUT from your vocabulary and replace it in all communication, including emails, texts, verbal chats with others AND internal chats and thoughts with yourself and challenge yourself to keep using the AND instead and see how your mood and outlook on life shifts towards to positive, leaving you feeling happy and confident every day.

    AND not But will allow you to use words to shape your thoughts.

    And if you’re still not convinced then allow a Harvard study convince you, which confirms that AND not BUT is the route to positivity, happiness and confidence.

    If you would like more help to understand how you communicate and how that’s impacting on your thoughts and feelings of happiness and confidence then get in touch today and arrange your free ‘meet and greet’ consultation with The Confidence Coach at Velvet Evolution.

    Wishing you a happy and confident day!

    Lydia – The Confidence Coach

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